was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
