Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
