went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
