my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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