We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
