I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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