If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
