we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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