Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
