life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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