**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
