Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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