I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
