Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
