Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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