My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
