i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
