My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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