maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
