I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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