His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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