She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize