you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
