Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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