she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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