three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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