Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
