I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
