She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
