I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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