I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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