Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
