last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
