I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
