I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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