my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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