Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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