I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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