Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
