It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
