Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
