I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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