umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
