Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
MIDGETS
????
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
