The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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