in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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