She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
