life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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