I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
