Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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