you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
