I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
