Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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