I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
