I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
