two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
