speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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