I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
