When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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