I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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