My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
