Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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