Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
