No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
