This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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