Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
